We've Moved!

Check out our new website on wordpress: 
https://mancubmamas.wordpress.com/.

Say "Yes More Than You Say "No"

Photo from Pixabay.com

I like to think that I'm OK at this parenting thing. And then I get a good ol’ slice of humble pie and am reminded that: 1) I really don't have control over very much; and 2) My kids have their own personalities and I can’t MAKE them do anything. (Dang it! ;) )

To illustrate my point, I’ll tell you about a funny encounter I had with my 3 year old man-cub recently:

C: “Mommy, I need something else to eat.”

ME: “Ok, do you want an apple? Or some bread?”

C: “No. These are my two choices: Candy, or Fruit by the Foot.”

Oh really now? I didn’t realize you were the one giving the choices around here now, Mr. C! :) I’m still cracking up about this!

Lately I’ve been worrying that I might tell my toddler “No” too often. Believe me, I don’t want to be a permissive parent (see The 4 Parenting Styles). But I’ve been thinking: I don’t want to stifle my son’s energy and imagination. This boy of mine talks non-stop most of the day, sometimes driving me to hide out in my room so I can have a moment’s peace. But I LOVE that he is so articulate and I love that he WANTS to be with me!

Our children are constantly seeking out our approval, our validation. It can be difficult sometimes to remember that they see the world very differently than we adults do; a child’s world is full of wonder and questions, and everything is SO FUN!

I believe parents should structure an environment that is safe enough and appropriate enough for their children so they- parents- only have to say “NO” when necessary. “Necessary” can be when a child is doing something dangerous, for example.

Because I have a 3 year old, I’ve come up with a list of ways parents can create that child-friendly environment that is specific to toddlers, which will allow them to say “YES” more often than they say “NO”:

How to Create a Child-Friendly Home Environment

1. Do the obvious child-proofing (remove unsafe objects such as low-hanging blind strings)
2. Create designated safe spaces for your child to BE a child (where they can run around, jump, get things a little messy)
3. Allow yourself to be OK with messes (Don’t expect to have a perfectly clean home, especially during the day while your child is awake!)
4. Always speak kindly to your child
5. When you do have to say “No” to your child, redirect them and help them understand why they shouldn’t do what they’re doing
6. Let your child talk your ear off- one day you may have to beg them to talk to you! (This one is specifically for me! :) )
7. Make the rules clear and be consistent (For example, in our house, it is never OK to hit others. Whenever my 3 year old does this, he automatically gets a 3 minute time out or gets a toy taken away for a few hours.)

I love this quote! It helps me keep my mommy perspective positive and loving, even when my patience is wearing thin:

“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice” (Peggy O’Mara).

5 Things We Do to Get Out of the House

Being home all day drives me crazy, so I try to get out of the house as much as possible. Here are my top five go-to get out of the house lifelines as a SAHM.

1. Playdates. And I'm not talking about a playdate where you end up watching two kids instead of one. I need adult interaction!! I'm talking about playdates that we saw are for the kids, but they are actually for the moms to swap stories and give advice. I try to have at least two playdates a week. I love having standing playdates (the same day weekly or monthly) so I don't have to think about it. But sometimes schedules are crazy and it's easier to text a friend in the morning and see if they are available. 
2. Story Time. I have been known to drive to libraries that were farther away just to go to story time because my local library didn't have a time that worked for us. Luckily, the nearest library to us currently has story time twice a week. Story time is crucial for me because I: 1) meet new moms and 2) get new book recommendations. I love that the librarians at our library rotate who does story time, so we get a variety of book recommendations. Each librarian has different tastes and preferences, and often they pull out books I haven't heard of but come to love as they read them out loud. 
3. The Zoo. This is the most expensive of my options. We bought a year long zoo membership and it has been worth every penny. We average going once a week, which means it costs us $2.50 each time. Our pass allows us to go on several rides at the zoo for free, which would normally cost us $2 per person per ride. The good thing about having a zoo membership is that you don't have to feel like you have to see everything in one shot. Often we go and deeply explore a few exhibits. 
4. Parks. If you have toddlers, the best time to go to the park is during school hours, because then they can have the park to themselves without worrying about waiting their turn for the slide. Pro tip: if you go to the park after it's rained, bring a towel to wipe down the slippery slides and swings. 
5. Walks. We live in an apartment complex that covers a full block. Every day we go on a walk within our complex. I also know of several parks in our area that have walking trails. This is a great way to help introduce kids to nature (my son saw a lizard in the wild for the first time last week!) and to enjoy the fresh air. 

What You Need to Know Before Having Your 2nd Baby

Photo from Pixabay.com

Let me be totally honest: I had no idea how difficult the transition from 1 to 2 kids would be for me! I know that it isn't this way for every parent, but for me going from 1 to 2 kids was much harder than going from 0 to 1. Several factors can play into the ease or difficulty of adding a second child to your family:

-Age of your oldest child when the second baby is born

-Age of your oldest when you become pregnant (I hadn't even considered this factor until I realized that it was hard being pregnant and tired while taking care of a very active 1 ½ year old!)

-Stage of life you're in (Are you and/or your spouse still finishing college? Are you settled into a career?)

-The transition you experienced going from 0 to 1 child (This is the experience you have to go off. My first pregnancy and my oldest baby were pretty easy, so I had high expectations going into my second time.)

-Personality of your oldest child  (Every child has their own adjustment process when they become a sibling. My oldest acted out more towards me than towards his baby brother.)

-Temperament and needs of your new baby (My second baby was a physically demanding little guy. His personality is typically more mellow than my high-energy oldest, which makes him so fun and snuggly, but he has had more sensitivity and physical discomforts we've had to figure out. He wasn't the type of baby I could just set down while getting things done; he preferred to be held. He also hated the car at first… All these things surprised me, because lots of people had told me that the second baby “will sleep through anything!” Ultimately, it comes down to each individual baby and their temperament and needs.)

I wish someone would have given me a list of realistic, practical (and yet still upbeat) advice before my second baby was born. I thought I totally knew what I was doing because I had already had a baby; but the reality for me was that my second time around was quite different from my first. Even though some of that had to do with the babies themselves being different human beings, a lot of the difference rested on the fact that there were 2 to take care of instead of just 1.

So, if you are pregnant with your second baby or are planning on having a second in the future, here are things you should be prepared for:

Advice for Second Time Parents

1. Expect to stay at home a lot: It will take time adjusting to feeding a newborn as well as taking care of your other child. Give yourself time and don't worry if you don't get out much for the first few months- that's to be expected!)
2. Choose your battles: You have to give yourself and your kiddo some leeway while everyone gets adjusted to all the changes. What saved me was screen time for my 2 year-old: I told myself that I would not feel guilty about letting him have lots of screen time those first few months after having my new baby! This saved me because I was often able to sleep while the baby slept during the day- because my toddler was occupied with his favorite movies and shows. If you're super against screen time, good luck finding ways to occupy your oldest… :) I know there must be ways, but you won't hear them from me because like I said- screen time saved me!
3. Take care of yourself: I know this is said a lot, but take this advice seriously. I didn't have any postpartum depression after I had my first baby; but I got it after my second baby was born. Know the signs and don't be afraid to get help if you need it. And even if you don't have PPD, take good care of yourself! Keep doing things that you love to do!
4. Let people help you: Don't hesitate to ask for help from family and friends. It was so refreshing for me when a friend would babysit my oldest for a little while so I could get one-on-one time with my baby. It reminded me how easy each of my boys are when it's just one of them! ;)
5. Do dates with your oldest child: Adding a second baby to the family brings big changes for your first little one. Taking one-on-one, uninterrupted time to remind your oldest that they are still your special child will rejuvenate you both.

I LOVE having two kids!!! I was unsure about how I would establish a special, intimate relationship with each of my children since my time would be divided between them. But I figured it out, and so will you. And even though your oldest child may act like they don't like the new baby at first (or they may love him or her from Day 1- who knows!), you will eventually see a fun and precious relationship form between them, and it will melt your heart!

Book Review: This is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

As a parent, I look at the things that my toddler has broken and think to myself "This is why we can't
have nice things." And then I found out there was a book written about it! This book is a series of essays about parenting and marriage. You can start in any chapter without having to worry about having read the one before it. Which is good, considering the fact that one of the chapters is titled, "the day we caught our kids looking at their buttholes," and curiosity had me reading that chapter first. Then my eye caught, "just because I get up in the night, doesn't mean I deserve praise," and I had to read that chapter next.

This book is an straightforward take of a father's preconceived notions of parenting, marital roles, and raising children, and how these notions were often smashed to pieces and he was left to work through things in a new way. I love the honesty of this book, and how it brings up things I have thought about before as a parent (ex: "an open letter to my newborn" or "the baby hates me.") I love the humor in this book an appreciated the fresh perspective it offered. 

We bought the kindle version of the book, which is only a few dollars. It was well worth the price, and now I'm trying to get Papa M to read it, one essay at a time. Language warning: there will be swearing. If you've read the book, what was your favorite essay?

Happy Reading,

DIY Felt Pizza

If you haven't guessed already, I'm a big felt crafter. Here's yet another idea to use some of your felt scraps!

Start out with a piece of cardboard, cut out to the circumference of your preference. I liked using cardboard because a felt crust isn't sturdy enough if you are trying to move the pizza around. Cut out a circular red piece for the sauce, and add whatever toppings you'd like! I did shredded mozzarella cheese, olives, sausage, bay leaves, and green onions.

 Happy Crafting!

Top 5 Most Used Kitchen Supplies

Cooking with toddlers can be rough. Here are some items I use to make things go more quickly! This post was not sponsored, but most of the items are pampered chef brand because my mother in law is a consultant. You can check out her FB page here.

1. Wooden spoons- D loves helping me cook, and these wooden spoons help stay a safe distance away from pots and pans, without conducting heat. 
2. Micro cooker- this is great for heating up soup (a popular lunch at our house), steaming veggies, or warming pasta sauce. 
3. Small skillet- D loves to cook eggs (as described in this post) so our small skillet gets used several times a week. 
4. Mix n' chop- Who has time to shred meat? With the mix n' chop, you can shred meat in under a minute. I even let D try to help out. 
5. Small knifes- I feel like I'm constantly cutting fruit and cheese for my toddler. I go through several knifes a day!

What kitchen items do you use the most?

Transportation ABCs

This has been my project the past few days!! I wanted to create some new decorations for D's room, and I decided to do a transportation themed ABCs poster. I got some of these ideas from this Etsy posting, but I wanted to change some of the letters to things that D would like more.

I scanned these all into a PDF, so if you'd like to print them off and use them, feel free! Disclaimer: I'm not a professional artist, so the scanned quality will not be the best.

Tantrums and Broken Bread

D gets really upset when some food item he is holding breaks.

And because he tends to grip his food tightly, this happens several times a day. So to combat the meltdowns, I remind D about what we do every Sunday- we partake of broken bread. In our church, this helps us remember Christ's body and his sacrifice for us. D looks forward to taking the sacramental bread every week. He knows that it is special and important, although he doesn't yet understand why. So when I remind him that we eat broken bread every Sunday, it helps him put into perspective that he can still eat his broken food. This doesn't work every time, but I'm always amazed how often it does work. Sometimes I'll even catch D saying "broken bread!" after he accidentally crumbles something in his hand.

There's probably some deep metaphorical analogy I could make about how this applies to us as children of God. But I'll let you, the reader, discover it on your own.

Our Spending Freeze

Inspired by this video, my husband and I decided to do a spending freeze this past week. In case you don't want to watch the video, this means that we didn't spend money with the exception of gas (my husband commutes to work and has to fill up his tank twice a week).

When we first decided to do the freeze, I figured it would be pretty easy because we had enough milk and food to last for a week without grocery shopping. But I was wrong. It was really hard. 

One of the benefits of a spending freeze is that you stop all spontaneous spending. Which means I passed up a lunch date with friends, picking up doughnuts on the way home from a frisbee game, and buying cheap kids books from a door-to-door salesman. Because really, I didn't need any of that. I still had playdays with friends this week that weren't at restaurants, and we still ate food and read books- that we already owned. 

I became more aware of what we actually did need to buy this week, like another lock for our front door (man-cub D figured out how to unlock it and escape). I ran out of deodorant, so I've gotten a little creative. 

Most of all, it was nice not running to to the store 2-3 times this week. We've gotten so bad at keeping a proper grocery list that we will run to the store for just one or two things and it gets to be time-consuming. Also, going to the store with a toddler is not my favorite, so I'm glad I got a week off from that!

Also it was kind of nice putting off some bills that didn't need to be paid right away...because paying bills is stressful. But, we will be paying them right when the spending freeze is over, because debt is also stressful. 

The other point of a spending freeze is that the money you would have spent you put into savings. And since we're saving to buy a home and furnish it, it makes me feel good knowing that while I passed up on some opportunities this week, hopefully it will pay off later.

What's In My Diaper Bag?

Every time my toddler is quietly occupied, I know there are only two explanations: he's pooping and therefore wants privacy OR he's digging through the diaper bag.

"What treasures does the diaper bag hold for a toddler?" you ask. Here's what D looks for in our diaper bag (ranked from most to least important.)

1.  Chocolate (for mom and dad), bribery candy, and snacks. This is the main draw of the diaper bag. D knows that if he is unsupervised long enough, he can unwrap a chocolate, eat it, and throw away the evidence.

2. Money. Quarters, pennies, credit cards, all things that can
be handled by small hands and then thrown around the house.

3. Stickers and other out-and-about toys. These are toys reserved especially for travel, to make them more interesting. Hence the draw to play with them at home. 

4. Bobby pins and lipstick. Admittedly not the coolest things for a toddler to play with, but then again there's the anomaly factor. 

5. The boring stuff. Like diapers, diaper rash ointment, wipes, and a small towel. These are the first to be grabbed and instantly discarded.

So there you have it, our diaper bag essentials. I never think to hide the bag because I like to have it easily accessible when we run out the door. But I may have to start putting it up higher, because it's been ransacked almost every day in the past week. 

If you're looking for a summary of diaper bag essentials from a parent's point of view, check out my What's in My Diaper Bag? post on Baby Bear Outfitters. 

Book Review: Why Have Kids?

This is a controversial book. The basic premise is that many

mothers in the United States are dissatisfied with being parents. Almost every chapter in the book tackles an issue that divides mothers: breastfeeding vs. formula, stay-at-home vs. working moms, acceptable levels of childcare, husband/wife childcare responsibilities, vaccination vs. mother's intuition, traditional vs. gay parents. The author herself warns: "This book will likely make you angry." Indeed, the title alone can provoke strong feelings among parents and non-parents. I almost felt guilty checking out this book out. But in the end it was worth it.

Despite the parts that did make me angry (thanks for the warning, Jessica Valenti), there were many parts that made me relieved. The main takeaway I got from this book is that one reason mothers are dissatisfied is because of unrealistic expectations. They expect motherhood to be amazing and rewarding and fulfilling while being told that it will also be "hard." But "hard" is such a vague term, they don't really know what to specifically expect. They expect that their children will fulfill their emotional needs, when in reality children often cannot even understand what their parent's needs are, let alone have the capacity to fulfill them. Society expects mothers to "do it all"- when in reality it is healthy for both mothers and children to rely on others to help with childcare.

I try so hard to be a good mom. But with that comes constant worrying. Is he getting enough to eat? Is he drinking enough? (Toddlers are stubborn, so I end up negotiating at each meal- and he has five small meals day!) Is he getting enough sleep? Have I read enough to him today? Why is he crying? Did I do something wrong? Am I not good enough? Do I not understand his needs? Especially since I am currently staying at home with my son full time, the mental expectations I set for myself become exhausting.

Why are mothers reporting increased dissatisfaction if the role of a mother is supposedly the "most rewarding job"? One of the issues the author tackles is the use of the word "job" for motherhood. If motherhood is a job, it follows that you should have time "off the clock." You should get vacation time. You have someone to answer to (which is who? your spouse? society? your unrealistic inner expectations?) The truth is, motherhood is not like a job in that way. You don't get time off, you don't get a lunch break, you don't get vacation time nearly as much as any other job. So why bother comparing it to a job? I would get so frustrated comparing my "job" at a stay-at-home mom to my husband's job as a professor. He only had to work 8-5. He got weekends off. He even got a lunch break every day! And I think this is the problem with my mentality. Motherhood is more than a job--it's a relationship.  And the more I view it as a job, the less I want to do it.

I don't really have an easy fix for this. I don't have an answer that will be good for everyone. But I do appreciate that Jessica Valenti starting a discussion so that hopefully we can get to the root of the problem and parents can start enjoying being parents again.